I got help because I saw what I was doing to everyone around me. They were scared for me, and I was just making them sad. How easy it would have been to disappear just so they don’t have to put up with my shit anymore. I always wondered if it was going to be better if I wasn’t around. I still don’t know. 7 billion people in the world and I don’t know why anyone would be sad if I was just one less person taking up space. This is what I was thinking all the time.

But your body has a natural survival instinct. No matter how much I wanted to die, I couldn’t. I saw my doctor and got help. Citalopram and therapy. I’m still doing that. Here’s the thing if you don’t see a reason to live:

You don’t have to find the exact reason to live right now. You just have to stick around and figure it out. I know I’m here and I’m trying to make it count. And if I’m going to stick around, there better be a reason, even if the answer doesn’t come right away.

Running literally saved my life. I threw myself into it, because I had nothing else to lose. I started, and it was the most liberating thing. It’s hard, it hurts, I’m sore the next day, and I have to talk myself into going further than the day before. But it’s also my new therapy, my escape, my peace. Everything is put into perspective when I’m on a trail and it’s just me and the sound of my shoes pounding the dirt.

I don’t have it all figured out, but I know eventually shit has to get better. Depression is very much alive in my life, but I’m managing it. You don’t go through what I’ve been through without some scars.

I stay alive for my mother, my family, my friends, the woman that still has my heart, and even her dog because I miss them so. I also stay alive for me, but I dfight harder for them, because I love them.

But I run for me. If I’m going to stick around, I will be strong, I will be unstoppable, I will be everything I’ve wanted to be.

Tomorrow morning after work: I’m hitting the trail. If you suffer from depression like I do and you read this, get off your ass. Because I did.